Neither abandoned nor forgotten

No, I didn't forget about this blog. I've just been preoccupied with other matters, allowing little time for blogging.
On top of that, I've erased a number of post regarding MissE. Since we are no longer a couple, they had little function here. The energy drain from trying to handle the Oh-are-you-ok-would-you-like-to-talk-about-it-calls have made me somewhat fatigued, and I still have lots to do, so it might take a while before I get back to this.
But then again, as I've stated before: I'm only writing this for myself anyway.

The passing of Madame Kerstin

Madame Kerstin, an icon within our local online BDSM-community, passed away last night after a long struggle with HIV. Lots of people mourn her, but to me she'll mostly be rememberd as an ashtray-smelling nasty old lady, always rude to me and my collegues at the store where I used to work. I do admit she's done wonders for the "scene" (oh, how I dislike that word), but that's "done" - past tense.
In the words of Janet Jacksson: What have you done for me lately?
I understand you'll miss her, and to many her passing comes as a big loss, but I shan't mourn her.

Personality Disorder Test

I found a little test at similarminds.com. Let's see how I did, shall we?

Paranoid	||	10%
Schizoid	||||||||||||||||||||	90%
Schizotypal	||||||||||||	42%
Antisocial	||||||||||||	46%
Borderline	||||||	22%
Histrionic	||	10%
Narcissistic	||||	14%
Avoidant	||	10%
Dependent	||	10%
Obsessive-Compulsive	||||	18%

No big surprises there. I'm not going to comment on those ranked 10%, as It's my belief you'd be hard pressed not to get them no matter what your answers were. Computerised tests are sooo reliable, you know. õ.O

Schizoid (90%)
Noe Schitt-Sherlock?


Schizotypal (42%)
Schizoid and Schizotypal share many symptoms, so there's no wonder a computer will give marks in both.


Antisocial (46%)
Rights shall be earned, not given. Unless you provide some proof that you're more than an average member of humanity, I'll treat you as such (i.e. a blabbering idiot). I fail to see how your stupidity is my problem.


Borderline (22%)
Sometimes I have random bursts of (verbal) aggressions when encountering ludicrous situations that defies common sense. Sometimes people feel I act impulsively, failing to realise I've probably thoroughly thought it through (that's a tongue twister!) before saying or doing whatever it was that made people labeling me "impulsive". I guess that's what makes me 22% Bordeline...


Narcissistic (14%)
Well, I signed up for extra imagination instead of that empathy thing. It's far more useful. And of course I'm "demanding in my relationships" - that's a big part of being a Dom in a D/s-relationship.


Obsessive-Compulsive (18%)
I like symetry more than what's considered normal, yes. I prefer to have things done the way I like it, yes (because that's the way I like it). And is it so strange to think that a measure of perfection increases efficency in the long run? Do it proper from the start, and you shan't have to redo it later!


Found another way to compare my self to the Schizoid diagnose on the same site:

ICD-10 criteria (at least 4 criteria)	Me
Emotional coldness, detachment or reduced affection.	My first and more or less only reaction to my fathers death was ”Let's se, the union agreement gives me one day off to grieve or something like that. I can do that on Friday, giving me a 3-day weekend. Then there's one day off for the funeral... He lived up north, so I get another two days for travel... If we have the service two weeks from now, I'll get a whole week off.”
Limited capacity to express either positive or negative emotions towards others.	It took me 8 moths before I could tell my girlfriend (at the time) that I love her, and even then it was mostly a mumble. I had no problem saying it after a year or so, since that's every other sentence she uttered to me and hence it lost its emotional meaning to me.
Consistent preference for solitary activities.	I have a huge DVD-collection, books are my life, and it's nearly orgasmic to think of all the stuff there's on the internet to entertain me. A ”night on the town” is horrific to my mind, and any form of social gathering requires intense mental preparation.
Very few (if any) close friends or relationships, and a lack of desire for such.	I've never wanted a relationship. I've always fought the idea with all of my being. They just happened anyway... I don't give a rats ass for friends in general; people are either more or less aquainted and reliable, but that's it. The only exception is one guy who time and again have proven to be loyal, generous and understanding, and I'd walk through fire for him.
Indifference to either praise or criticism.	I concede that constructive criticism has a point, but that's a rare thing. You're more likely to encounter negative criticism. And praise? Whoop-de-doo, I managed to accomplish what I set out to do. I don't need a parade to know that was a good thing.
Taking pleasure in few, if any, activities.	Define ”activities”. I have innumerable interest (most of which go hand-in-hand with eachother), but almost all of them can be boiled down to reading, writing, watching, and building.
Indifference to social norms and conventions.	The laa-de-dahs of society bore me to bits, and there's few I actually understand. I've become fairly adept at faking it, but it sucks the energy out of me and I only do it when I have to.
Preoccupation with fantasy and introspection.	To me, the Real World is what I see and create in my mind. What you call real is just a static illusion I'd rather not be reminded of. My world makes sense. Yours doesn't.
Lack of desire for sexual experiences with another person.	This is the source of many heated arguments at home – my lack of interest to ”do stuff”. Of course I have occational urges, but they are fleeting and far between. Had it not been for my fascination with BDSM, it'd been non-existing. I never seek orgasmic release, being more interested in how and why the sex was done. I also fail to see the need for some form of emotional attachment to enhance the experience. And as far as Spank the Moneky goes, to me it's just a card game – allthough an amusing one.

Enjoy the Silence

I'm not a morning person. Anyone claiming so should be put up against a wall and shot. But there's one part of the morning that I truly enjoy; those brief moments after I'm done with all preparations but before it's time to leave. It is often the only part of the day where I can shut out absolutely everything and just dream away. Nothing but me and my thoughts in a deep void that I can fill with whatever my mind conjures up for the moment.

This morning gave me a vision of a small scout car similar to the Ferret Armoured Car (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ferret_armoured_car), based on a Beetle (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Volkswagen_Beetle). The rear-located engine means it could have a very snub front, and sacrificing some of the back seat comfort would allow for a roof hatch and removable turret. Slowly, the form became more and more clear, and the more I thought about it the more I wanted it. One day, i shall own such a vehicle.

But perhaps I should get that driver's licence first?

Every blog has its beginning

I can't say I have a defined plan for this blog, or even why I've decided to write one. Generally, I find most blogs fairly pointless, and I'd be surprised if this one would be an exception. But I'm not writing it for you; I'm writing it for me.

I'm tired of city life, endless social gatherings, the push-and-shove of urban commuter traffic, all the endless noise and lack of space! However, that also requires me to find a suitable job wherever I move. I wouldn't mind educating myself if it wasn't for the fact that those professions I'd be interested in are either really hard to find employment in, or require so many years of study (and then paying in peanuts) that I'd never be free of the student loans. I'm pretty much stuck in my current profession, whether I like to or not.

Oh, how I'd love to win the lottery. But I don't play...

Now comes the interesting part: will this be the only post in this blog, or will I keep it alive? Only time will tell.